Ok, disclaimers here before I start. This is a rant. I will probably exaggerate in the heat of my stream of consciousness. I do not intend to offend or portray anyone or any institution in a bad light, I am just letting off steam. I will not cuss in here, because I have the decorum not to, but believe me, I’d love to. So when you read it, feel free to insert or substitute a choice word every now and then to get the true fervor of the passage.
Alright. So I’m not happy with things. Sure, that’s good. It means we have to work toward making things better. Like this summer. A whole lot of stuff to do. Driver’s license. I’ve been putting that off. And I really need to do that. But the big 3 electronics – ipod, phone, computer. I probably could have done that at one time at the apple store. But I’m a pc. Screw imacs. So I have myself an ipod, and still need to get a phone and computer. Because my stupid old phone isn’t working – won’t receive or make calls. Not that people call me. But if I’m planning something or going out with people, or away from home, it’s a nuisance. Especially since I don’t drive. See how all problems are interconnected? Welcome to reality. Computer. I need one too. So I’m not on this old dustbucket of a laptop, and my mom can use the desktop instead of fighting over it for time with me. Like now. Why am I ranting on an internet blog? Well, I’ve talked with my parents, and while they have some words of support, I don’t want to start yelling at them and trying to make them feel sorry for me or anything. One I’d feel guilty. Two, it wouldn’t work. So I’m on here, typing away. Because I can’t call anyone and talk about it because of my stupid phone, and this darn laptop doesn’t have enough power to run the webcam so I can’t talk to people in person, and my mom’s been busy doing important stuff with the desktop, so I can’t use it. No meeting up with them because I can’t drive. Besides, I don’t think you’d want to hear me rant on for half an hour anyways. Or more. And I don’t want to type this much wall text on AIM or twitter or facebook. So I’m here. I guess it’s better than jumping. Got to watch out for that next year. Seriously. So finding ways of relieving my feelings rather than holding them in like I usually do is a good thing. Sorry you’re sitting through it.
I shouted in the shower and pounded on the tile wall. I tripped over my pants and cussed really loudly. I’m not a happy camper right now. I’m not sure about anything anymore. I was cool, I thought I had my classes scheduled out for Cornell next year. Gov intro, Science and Technology studies intro, web design, freshman writing seminar, Spanish. And PE. For a total of 16 credits out of a 15 credit average. Then comes the kicker. Should I add a math course? It’s pretty intensive, so I think I want to take it a different semester than physics, because that’s really intensive. But then what to drop? Web design probably, the only fun class out of the bunch. But then I want that for PHP for Rincon, so I have an idea what the heck I’m doing when I’m doing PHP codes. See, I was going to do a calc class spring, so I could do physics fall/spring next year. But THEN I find I got a 7 on IB physics. So theoretically I could skip fall physics and start in spring semester (2nd half of the course). But that pushes the calc back, and I forget even more of the BC stuff, like this past year. So maybe I’ll wait until next year. But wait there’s more. Chinese and Spanish. I could take 1 semester of Spanish and be done with language requirements. Thanks AP 5. Or 2 or 3 semesters of Chinese. I’m taking Spanish as of now. But I want to take Chinese. But most courses are 3-4 credits. Spanish is 4. CHINESE IS 6. Now am I really going to take that next year with physics meeting 6 FRIGGEN TIMES A WEEK? I either start this fall or next fall with Chinese. But then that brings me to 18 credits. 19 with PE. I don’t want that heavy a load. In fact, screw that. Maybe not. But for the last 4 years I’ve had 7 classes each year. Yes, my own choice. But now doing that so I can start 19 credits a semester for 4 years? With a 15 credit average? I mean, it’s like the finish line always gets moved further and further away. It never ends. I saw my friends leaving after 5th period. Or coming at 2nd. Or leaving after 6th. Why can’t I be like them? Why is this going to happen again? Sure it’s nice, but at some point it gets to you. I wish I had more time senior year to stop and smell the roses. And I regret missing some opportunities with people that I didn’t do. Here’s what I’m seeing. I want 2 years of Chinese. So 6 credit Chinese, a 4 credit gov, a 4 credit STS (because I want to double major), gives me 14 credits. So I get one class a semester – and I’m sure both majors will require semesters of 2 classes in that field - maybe not even one class a semester to do something fun. FUN. Isn’t that what college is? Time to go and explore new things? What about that psych class? Music theory? Oceanography? Java? Logic? Astronomy? Dinosaurs? And those are just intro classes. I want to take more classes. I want to learn more. And it seems that I won’t have time. Because the way things are now, I’m gonna spend my middle two years of college DOING NOTHING BUT GOVERNMENT, STS, AND CHINESE. Plus, I need to fit in those distribution requirements. I have no idea when I will find time to do that. Maybe I’ll spend a summer/winter there for classes – no more visiting home and friends. Maybe I’ll have a working phone or webcam by then. Yes, I can and will talk with my advisors. But enrollment is now. I don’t want to get put in the last open Chinese class because that’s what’s left and everyone hates that professor. I spent so much time trying to nail down my schedule, and now it’s all unraveling. All that time finding the right profs, the right timings, cutting out – sacrificing - classes I wanted so it would fit my schedule. I have no idea what I’m doing now.
Going into high school, I had a good idea of what colleges wanted. And it didn’t really matter for graduating, because anything I took would take me on a graduation path. Not so anymore. It’s my responsibility now. I need to figure out how to fit in all the graduation requirements. And on top of that, I have no idea what grad schools look for. Or various professions. What skills they want. I HAVE NO IDEA. I AM LOST IN THE OCEAN. And cornell is a big ocean. 14,000 undergrads. Maybe I should have gone to Swarthmore,where it’s closer to 1400. At least you don’t need to pay for every tiny little thing there like the ability to use the gym, play pool, practice music, or get them to open your room when you lose your key. That’s what I get for going to an eastern elite establishment school. Draining out my wallet.
Of course, you’ll say don’t worry. It’ll work out. You’re fine. You’ll do great. Don’t worry about the future. It all glosses over. I do worry about the future. That’s part of my insecurity. Worrying. I worry too much. Which is why I haven’t gotten my license. I can’t even reach out to get that false sense of security or comfort from people because I can’t call/webcam/visit them. And AIM is NOT the best way to comfort a person. So you know what – I am going to worry right now. I think I need something better than a “You’re Richmond” right now. So if that’s all you’ve got, thanks, but no thanks.
So much on my plate right now. College classes. I need to get a phone/computer/license. Heck, I don’t even know what phones these days can do, I’ve got a 5 year old one. Computers, I’m a bit better, but stupid Windows got rid of movie maker, so I’ve got to invest in a program that does way too much for what I need, or find a copy to download of the old movie maker – which brings its own risks. I’ve got to put out social fires caused by facebook. Maybe it’s better to leave altogether. Which I’ve been on the verge of doing several times. So if you’re reading this, don’t make me do that. I’d rather not, but sometimes it’s easier to shut the door on a fire than waste water putting it out. And I have to find a clarinet audition piece. Or pieces. For the Cornell Wind Ensembles. I have no idea what I’m doing there either. I never had any lessons or formal training. I’ve never tried out for a group. I’m completely lost there – and I’m not even sure where to go for help! I’m just a high school player who can play somewhat decently and would like to continue.
Yeah, here’s where you say “if there’s so much to do, why not get off you butt fuming at a computer and do something about it?” I don’t have a good answer. This is easier. I’ve been doing something for the past 6 years non stop. I just want to be able to stop and smell the roses. Is that too much to ask? I want to stop before I hit working life. Working hard for 2 years, so I can work hard for 4 years of high school to get into a good school to work 4 more years to work another 40-50 years. Life’s great. Just a year, or a semester where I can lay back and enjoy my place in life. Darn, I just want to do that – is that too much to ask? I’m sitting here fuming, so I don’t go out and cuss the next person I talk to, ok is that a good enough answer for you? I’d rather get my anger out here than take it out on a person. So I can be the happy jolly Richmond everyone sees.
Yes, a lot of stress. A lot of text too. I’ll get over things eventually and move on. That’s life, isn’t it? Lost in an open sea. Always going toward a finish line that keeps moving. The green light from the Great Gatsby if you will. If you’ve made it down here, thanks for reading this far, it means something to me, I guess. I’d ask you to call me, but my phone won’t answer. But leave a comment or something if you’d like.
Alright. So I’m not happy with things. Sure, that’s good. It means we have to work toward making things better. Like this summer. A whole lot of stuff to do. Driver’s license. I’ve been putting that off. And I really need to do that. But the big 3 electronics – ipod, phone, computer. I probably could have done that at one time at the apple store. But I’m a pc. Screw imacs. So I have myself an ipod, and still need to get a phone and computer. Because my stupid old phone isn’t working – won’t receive or make calls. Not that people call me. But if I’m planning something or going out with people, or away from home, it’s a nuisance. Especially since I don’t drive. See how all problems are interconnected? Welcome to reality. Computer. I need one too. So I’m not on this old dustbucket of a laptop, and my mom can use the desktop instead of fighting over it for time with me. Like now. Why am I ranting on an internet blog? Well, I’ve talked with my parents, and while they have some words of support, I don’t want to start yelling at them and trying to make them feel sorry for me or anything. One I’d feel guilty. Two, it wouldn’t work. So I’m on here, typing away. Because I can’t call anyone and talk about it because of my stupid phone, and this darn laptop doesn’t have enough power to run the webcam so I can’t talk to people in person, and my mom’s been busy doing important stuff with the desktop, so I can’t use it. No meeting up with them because I can’t drive. Besides, I don’t think you’d want to hear me rant on for half an hour anyways. Or more. And I don’t want to type this much wall text on AIM or twitter or facebook. So I’m here. I guess it’s better than jumping. Got to watch out for that next year. Seriously. So finding ways of relieving my feelings rather than holding them in like I usually do is a good thing. Sorry you’re sitting through it.
I shouted in the shower and pounded on the tile wall. I tripped over my pants and cussed really loudly. I’m not a happy camper right now. I’m not sure about anything anymore. I was cool, I thought I had my classes scheduled out for Cornell next year. Gov intro, Science and Technology studies intro, web design, freshman writing seminar, Spanish. And PE. For a total of 16 credits out of a 15 credit average. Then comes the kicker. Should I add a math course? It’s pretty intensive, so I think I want to take it a different semester than physics, because that’s really intensive. But then what to drop? Web design probably, the only fun class out of the bunch. But then I want that for PHP for Rincon, so I have an idea what the heck I’m doing when I’m doing PHP codes. See, I was going to do a calc class spring, so I could do physics fall/spring next year. But THEN I find I got a 7 on IB physics. So theoretically I could skip fall physics and start in spring semester (2nd half of the course). But that pushes the calc back, and I forget even more of the BC stuff, like this past year. So maybe I’ll wait until next year. But wait there’s more. Chinese and Spanish. I could take 1 semester of Spanish and be done with language requirements. Thanks AP 5. Or 2 or 3 semesters of Chinese. I’m taking Spanish as of now. But I want to take Chinese. But most courses are 3-4 credits. Spanish is 4. CHINESE IS 6. Now am I really going to take that next year with physics meeting 6 FRIGGEN TIMES A WEEK? I either start this fall or next fall with Chinese. But then that brings me to 18 credits. 19 with PE. I don’t want that heavy a load. In fact, screw that. Maybe not. But for the last 4 years I’ve had 7 classes each year. Yes, my own choice. But now doing that so I can start 19 credits a semester for 4 years? With a 15 credit average? I mean, it’s like the finish line always gets moved further and further away. It never ends. I saw my friends leaving after 5th period. Or coming at 2nd. Or leaving after 6th. Why can’t I be like them? Why is this going to happen again? Sure it’s nice, but at some point it gets to you. I wish I had more time senior year to stop and smell the roses. And I regret missing some opportunities with people that I didn’t do. Here’s what I’m seeing. I want 2 years of Chinese. So 6 credit Chinese, a 4 credit gov, a 4 credit STS (because I want to double major), gives me 14 credits. So I get one class a semester – and I’m sure both majors will require semesters of 2 classes in that field - maybe not even one class a semester to do something fun. FUN. Isn’t that what college is? Time to go and explore new things? What about that psych class? Music theory? Oceanography? Java? Logic? Astronomy? Dinosaurs? And those are just intro classes. I want to take more classes. I want to learn more. And it seems that I won’t have time. Because the way things are now, I’m gonna spend my middle two years of college DOING NOTHING BUT GOVERNMENT, STS, AND CHINESE. Plus, I need to fit in those distribution requirements. I have no idea when I will find time to do that. Maybe I’ll spend a summer/winter there for classes – no more visiting home and friends. Maybe I’ll have a working phone or webcam by then. Yes, I can and will talk with my advisors. But enrollment is now. I don’t want to get put in the last open Chinese class because that’s what’s left and everyone hates that professor. I spent so much time trying to nail down my schedule, and now it’s all unraveling. All that time finding the right profs, the right timings, cutting out – sacrificing - classes I wanted so it would fit my schedule. I have no idea what I’m doing now.
Going into high school, I had a good idea of what colleges wanted. And it didn’t really matter for graduating, because anything I took would take me on a graduation path. Not so anymore. It’s my responsibility now. I need to figure out how to fit in all the graduation requirements. And on top of that, I have no idea what grad schools look for. Or various professions. What skills they want. I HAVE NO IDEA. I AM LOST IN THE OCEAN. And cornell is a big ocean. 14,000 undergrads. Maybe I should have gone to Swarthmore,where it’s closer to 1400. At least you don’t need to pay for every tiny little thing there like the ability to use the gym, play pool, practice music, or get them to open your room when you lose your key. That’s what I get for going to an eastern elite establishment school. Draining out my wallet.
Of course, you’ll say don’t worry. It’ll work out. You’re fine. You’ll do great. Don’t worry about the future. It all glosses over. I do worry about the future. That’s part of my insecurity. Worrying. I worry too much. Which is why I haven’t gotten my license. I can’t even reach out to get that false sense of security or comfort from people because I can’t call/webcam/visit them. And AIM is NOT the best way to comfort a person. So you know what – I am going to worry right now. I think I need something better than a “You’re Richmond” right now. So if that’s all you’ve got, thanks, but no thanks.
So much on my plate right now. College classes. I need to get a phone/computer/license. Heck, I don’t even know what phones these days can do, I’ve got a 5 year old one. Computers, I’m a bit better, but stupid Windows got rid of movie maker, so I’ve got to invest in a program that does way too much for what I need, or find a copy to download of the old movie maker – which brings its own risks. I’ve got to put out social fires caused by facebook. Maybe it’s better to leave altogether. Which I’ve been on the verge of doing several times. So if you’re reading this, don’t make me do that. I’d rather not, but sometimes it’s easier to shut the door on a fire than waste water putting it out. And I have to find a clarinet audition piece. Or pieces. For the Cornell Wind Ensembles. I have no idea what I’m doing there either. I never had any lessons or formal training. I’ve never tried out for a group. I’m completely lost there – and I’m not even sure where to go for help! I’m just a high school player who can play somewhat decently and would like to continue.
Yeah, here’s where you say “if there’s so much to do, why not get off you butt fuming at a computer and do something about it?” I don’t have a good answer. This is easier. I’ve been doing something for the past 6 years non stop. I just want to be able to stop and smell the roses. Is that too much to ask? I want to stop before I hit working life. Working hard for 2 years, so I can work hard for 4 years of high school to get into a good school to work 4 more years to work another 40-50 years. Life’s great. Just a year, or a semester where I can lay back and enjoy my place in life. Darn, I just want to do that – is that too much to ask? I’m sitting here fuming, so I don’t go out and cuss the next person I talk to, ok is that a good enough answer for you? I’d rather get my anger out here than take it out on a person. So I can be the happy jolly Richmond everyone sees.
Yes, a lot of stress. A lot of text too. I’ll get over things eventually and move on. That’s life, isn’t it? Lost in an open sea. Always going toward a finish line that keeps moving. The green light from the Great Gatsby if you will. If you’ve made it down here, thanks for reading this far, it means something to me, I guess. I’d ask you to call me, but my phone won’t answer. But leave a comment or something if you’d like.
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